Touch

   

Stage 1: Clear Mindedness

Stage 2: The Beginning

Stage 3: Disillusionment    

     Touch, for me, has made a very big impact in my life. There has never been a defined line between pain and pleasure due to my past. When you feel as though you deserve the pain being inflicted upon you, it's likely that something isn't right. I've had to rediscover myself through the definition of touch because there are specific things that differentiate between "good" and "bad." As time has passed, I've learned what it means to be in pain, as well as being relieved of it.

     When I was in the darkest part of my life, pain was something I felt I deserved. I had been forced into thinking that everything was my fault. I thought that he was demonstrating how much he cared whenever he put his hands on me. I didn't see it as a bad thing at the time -- just normal. Touch, at this time, was sharp; violent and difficult for me to wrap my head around. Eventually, I got to a point where I consistently associated love with pain.
     But touch should never be bad. When you connect with someone on a much deeper level, touch becomes soft. It is replaced by something delicate and fragile, unlike violence. Negative connotations suddenly transform into much more positive ones.

     There are three stages of learning to accept pain. During stage one, before you are in a relationship, it is very clear that the object is painful. Abusive relationships are very easy to notice until you're in one. Stage two is the beginning of the blurred line: between what is okay and what is not. Stage three is the entire fogging of reality: there is no difference between what is good and what is bad because it is slowly becoming harder to see the thing that causes pain.